How to write a Crappy Plot

So you've decided to take on the reins of Plot and you don't know where to start? Here's some suggestions on how to make the crappiest plot ever.

1. Impossible Bad Guys. No bad plot is complete without a few completely impossible characters. The best advice here is to completely go to town - high hit points, lots of resists, carrier effects and preferably swings for something that is absorbed through weapons is ideal. Think of it like a competition with the other plot people on who can roll the PCs the hardest.
2. Senseless Brutality. It might not make sense, but every creature in a bad plot should attack without provocation, mercy or a survival instinct. As with #1, the point is to roll the PCs as fast as possible. The PCs don't actually think you're able to come up with monsters that can kill them, prove them wrong.
3. No way out. Make sure the PCs get into at least one encounter that there is no possible way out of. They love that. If that encounter can be sprung on them without them walking into it, that's ideal. It should just appear, out of nowhere, like the thundering hand of god.
4. Let you NPCs fight each other. The PCs don't actually want to be responsible for interactions. It's MUCH more efficient to have your badass "good" NPCs kill the badass "bad" NPCs for them. They get a lot more satisfaction out of completing the game if they don't actually have to DO anything.
5. Don't have Plot that makes cohesive sense. If the NPCs seem like a chaotic jumble and the PCs don't understand why they're there, that's awesome. Plot making sense is just unneccesary thinking the PCs have to do.
6. Don't give the PCs any options. PCs don't like making decisions. Their little brains can't handle it, it's better if you spoonfeed them everything and force them to act out the plot the way you want them to. They're happier too, because it's much less work for them.
7. No variation in encounters. This is a subset of #2. If the PCs always know what to expect, they're happier. PCs don't like surprises, and they always want the NPCs to be the exact same so they always know what to do (die). Much easier on them (and you, too..).
8. Don't take levels into account. That's just silly. Follow the advice in #2 and it won't matter if they're a well balanced group or a squad full of tinkers. Just roll them every time. Killing a tinker is kinda like killing a fighter, only faster.
9. Badly formulated encounters. This is a variation on #6. A Bad Plot should always include at least one encounter that requires skills or abilities the current batch of PCs don't have. Having a required encounter that NEEDS pick locks but none of the PCs HAVE pick locks is a good start. Similar stuff can be done with Disarm Traps and various magic blockades. If the PCs are well rounded, use some of the upper-tier stuff that's virtually impossible to get around unless the average party level (like you were paying attention to THAT stupid detail anyways) is 10-15 levels higher.
10. Loot. PCs don't like loot. Be sure to shortchange them, especially if the party has tinkers and mages. If they're able to buy the spells they need and handle their item production for the next game, you'll just have a harder time rolling them later.

Stick to these simple rules, and you're sure to be on your way to having a crappy plot every single time.

Jim Flatmo